Jessica

01:47 pm: Here we go again!
It's two o'clock in the afternoon and I have about an hour and half before I seal my weekend at ARC#2. I go in today at 3:30 and I don't get off until Sunday at 3:30. I love my job more than anything, but man... two full days inside one house is an extremely long time.

So I'm going to make the best of it. I have decided that I will learn Spanish. Even if it takes me the rest of my summer vacation, the rest of my senior year, or even the rest of my life. I have never let anything defeat me, and I'm not about to start by giving up on one of the easiest languages there is to learn. So, I'm taking my book to work with me and I plan to at least know more verbs and bits of grammar on Sunday than I know right now. Wish me luck guys.

I also have decided to read a little more this weekend. The plan is to get all of my paperwork done tonight so I can have a lot of time tomorrow to work on goals with my residents. I have a lot of pretty good ideas about things that we can do, I just have to make sure that I don't have anything dragging me down.

For those of you that have my number, I expect to start getting some phone calls! I'm always around and nobody ever calls! By the time I really get in the mood to talk, it's one or two in the morning and I don't want to be hella rude by calling those of you who have jobs. For those slackers out there without jobs, leave me a note and I'll brighten up your day. And remember folks, my phone was washed in the washing machine... you may think I have your number, but chances are, I probably don't.

Okay, I have a lot of things to do before I go to work, well not really, but I'm tired of typing. Stay tuned for more details of my exciting life.

09:55 am: It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you...
I know it's been a hot minute since I updated, I don't even know why I do anymore... but for those of you who haven't forgotten about me, here goes!

I work for the Rockingham Opportunities Corporation. I work in a group home for adults with mental retardation and developmental disabilities. This is by far the best job I have ever had! I love all of the people I work with, my bosses are cool, and all of my clients more than I love some members of my own family! This opportunity came about one year after I applied for the job. Talk about luck! This job is so awesome! I hope you can feel my excitement through the computer... it's hot.

As far as the love life goes, still no one really in the picture. I'm not looking, but I'm not overlooking either. I'll find someone to chill with after a while... when I really have time to deal with it. I did, however, have this really cute guy leave his number underneath the windshield wiper of my car! Turns out he was 29 and married. Seperated, but any way you look at it, he has a wife. Go figure. Oh well, better luck next time.

I GOT A NEW CAR! LET ME REPEAT, I GOT A NEW CAR! No more kicking around between Winston-Salem and Reidsville in the Go-Kart! NO WAY! I bought a 1997 Mazda Protege. It's gold, it's four-door, and get this, everything on it works! I don't have to tap anything or kick anything, and nothing is straight-wired to the motor! I can ride in my car and not get knots in my stomach from fear of breaking down. And life great!

Also this summer, it seems as if I am rediscovering my faith in God. Don't get me wrong, I've always believed, but these last few months I've re-established a regular, good-standing relationship. This may mean nothing to some of you... but it means a lot to me and I needed to share. :-)
I am super, super excited about living in the flats next year! I already bought a lot of kitchen stuff, and hopefully I will be able to buy a little bit more before moving in. I'm also really excited about student teaching. Hopefully I'll get Miss Stickler at Jefferson Elementary... keep your fingers crossed for me!

Okay, that's all I have time for today... gotta get away before the lady in the library starts breathing down my neck! Have a great day folks! Stay tuned for more details of my exciting life... it may take a few months, but you'll get the update.

12:54 am: Long time, huh?
Hey folks! I know it's been almost a year! Doesn't that suck?! Crash course on how I've been, more updates later!
Well, I took that management job at the Grille at Salem. Yeah. What a joke! I ended up dropping myself so far into it that I'm barely staying alive in my spanish class. Needless to say, the hours have been cut. I'm taking 5 classes this semester, Feminist theory, methods and materials for teaching math, methods and materials for teaching science and social studies, verbal communication in spanish, and reading assessment. I spend at least 2 hours a week at Jefferson Elementary in a fourth grade class, not including the hour it takes to get there round trip. Doing okay otherwise.
Love life? Yeah right. I'm so confused right now that I can't even get my own life together. No time is what it all boils down to... no time, and no patience. I don't know. Okay, I gotta peace out, but holla at me if you get a chance! I haven't talked to some of you guys in forever!

08:33 am: Update
Okay babies, I know it's been a long time so I'm gonna try to catch you up to speed on the happenings of the fabulous life that is mine.
My goals for the summer are strictly as follows: 1. save up enough money for books 2. make enough money to pay my cell bill on time 3. pay off my credit card bill as much as possible 4. keep my stress level at an all-time record low 5. read as many books as I possibly can and 6. be so sick of relaxing by August that I'm ready to go back to school early and start off my junior year with a bang!
In order to reach these goals, this is what I've been doing so far.
First of all, I chilled out from working for a good two weeks. I wasn't being totally slack, I was filling out applications, but I really just needed a little downtime. In those first few days a read a few novels and, until then, had forgotten what it felt like to read something for fun and actually enjoy it. So reading has definitely been at the top of my happy-time list.
I left my job at McDonald's to venture out into the unknown. I now work at InfoNXX. Don't get twisted up by those last two letters, I answer information calls for cell phone companies. Ever dialed 411 on a cell phone? Well if you do anymore this summer, there's a slight chance that you could talk to me. I get to dress up Monday-Thursday and we can dress down Friday-Sunday. I finally have a job that doesn't make me greasy, doesn't make my feet hurt, and one that finally doesn't piss me off everyday. Right now I'm in training which is basically like school. We had to take a spelling test and a typing test before we were hired and now we have about 10 more tests to take before we can graduate training. This job is definitely hardcore. If you don't make at least a 90 on the first test you can retake it once... if you don't pass it then, you are automatically terminated. If you are late or leave early more than twice in these 3 weeks, you are automatically terminated. Being late is just in my blood, I promise! Luckily I haven't been late at all, but it's still early in the game. We get these really cool headsets and security badges... I feel muy importante. Starting pay is $8.00 an hour with all kinds of bonuses and incentives available based on your average call processing time and call quality. Even though it's gonna be hella hard to get all of this in check, I'm pretty sure I can handle it. The job department is looking pretty damn good.
In the love department, well I'm not so sure. Don't you hate it when you get mixed messages from somebody? Okay so I asked this guy where we stood and he tells me this, verbatim. "Jessica, only God knows where we will both end up, but I can tell you that I love you and there will always be a place for you in my heart and in my life." So I took this as letting me down easy, in a 'I'm not so sure I wanna be with you' kinda way. Then a day or so later I get this..."You are the only person that I can ever truly call the love of my life... you hold the key to my heart and I love you." So what am I supposed to think? At this point I'm really confused. After all of this and countless conversations between the two of us, I don't hear from him for a week or so. Then he emails me and tells me how busy he's been and yadda yadda (which I already know) and how much he loves me. He's coming home in a few weeks and then he's leaving out again. I don't really know how far I want to take these feelings because I already know that I'm too wrapped up in him as it is. I have seriously loved this guy from the jump, since we all jumped rope on the playground at Lawsonville Elementary School. I really love him, I want to be with him, but I don't want to do it too fast. Right now, I don't think either one of us is ready for the type of commitment that a real relationship entails. The only thing is that I don't want him to forget about me once he is ready, because I'm pretty sure that once I'm ready, he's the one that I'll want to go back to. I hope that when he does finally get here we can talk more clearly face-to-face so I can make sure we're on the same page... wish me luck with this and hope for the best!
Anisha and Ashley were talking about starting a Black Book Club within BADU. I think this is an awesome idea! So just in case this happens, all of the books I've been reading are by black authors. So far I've read four novels by ERIC JEROME DICKEY and I must say, that homeboy is the bomb! Most of his books are broken up into different sections headed by that characters name. Throughout the book, each person's ideas and actions are told in first person by that character. So you get everybody's real thoughts from that person. Too cool, in my opinion. My favorite is called FRIENDS AND LOVERS and it's about two pairs of friends that meet each other and start dating (they don't all start to date each other, they hook up in pairs too). Dickey talks about their careers, and their family lives, but the main focus is on their relationships- the ups and downs and of course, the drama. After one of the characters suddenly dies, the other characters are forced to wake up and see what really matters in life. I'm telling you, it took me about four or five hours to read this book because I couldn't put it down and half way through I started boo-hooing like there was no freaking tomorrow. Homeboy knows how to pull you in his books and once it's over you feel as if you can talk about his characters like you really knew them. If you're looking for a summer read, pick that one up. I can guarantee you won't be disappointed!
Okay, that it for me folks, but I'll check in at least once a week. Hope everybody is enjoying their lives right now, stay cool babies and keep in touch.

12:45 am: I'm sitting in the computer lab with the most dysfunctional people in the entire world!!!!!!!!

10:29 am:
You're a Glass of Wine!


What Type of Alcoholic Beverage Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

10:15 am: This looks fun...
Danielle had this in her journal and I wanted to copy her... there's a first time for everything! Post your responses in my comments... *smile*


Name:
Age:
Place of Birth:
When and how did we meet?:
What was your first impression?:
Has that impression changed?:
What do you like most about me?:
What do you like least?:
What is something about me that you find interesting (if anything)
Recommend a book to me:
Recommend a movie:
Recommend a song/band:
Reason for LJ username?:
Do you enjoy reading my LJ?:
Why or why not?:
Interesting fact about you:
Weird fact about you:
Quote:
Is there anything you have wanted to tell me but haven't?:
Will you post this in your journal?:
Do you care if others read this?:

10:14 am: I'm Johnny Depp!

You are Johnny Depp! You're probably the hottest
pirate to ever sail the seven seas! And you
can get away with a gold tooth like no one
else! Even Master P envies you! You will
never be without a date.


What Bad Ass are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

10:01 am: I've done a lot of thinking over the past few days, and I've decided that it's time to make some changes.

As far as relationships are concerned, I think this could be a good thing. This gives me time to focus on my work and get my shit together. Yeah, I miss him, but life goes on. We're still friends and that's all I really need.

I have also decided that the way I look has got to change. I am 20 years old and I am not pleased with what I see. So I'm thinking about dropping some pounds, staightening my hair and adding layers... what do you think?

Since I've been slacking all semester on my work, it's time to crack down and get things done. I'll be here this weekend and I'll devote a lot of my time to reading books for Dr. Baker's assignment. In other words: you can catch me at Barnes and Nobles or Borders Friday-Saturday.

I have also decided that I need to get in touch with my religion because at some point I seem to have left it. Don't get me wrong, I still believe in God, but I really want to know exactly what it is that I believe in, because honestly I don't know. My parents never forced religion on me growing up because they wanted me to decide for myself what it is that I believe in. My parents would read to us from the Bible, but we never went to church or anything. I want to go to a lot of different churches so I can find one that makes me feel comfortable and where I feel like I belong.

Seems like that's all for now...keep checking for updates.

04:55 pm: The song goes like this:

I cry, a little bit everyday. At least one tear drop falls, it doesn't matter where or why. I try to leave it all behind, but in the middle of the night, I cry.

Or something like that. I may be missing some words.

04:43 pm: Even though I promised myself that I wouldn't work at McDonald's unless I really needed the money, I went to work today. I'm also working for 5 days out of the 10 days of spring break, and every Saturday from 8-4 until I decide that I don't want to anymore. Well, I have to do something to occupy my time?

Today started off kinda rocky. My eyes were already swollen shut from all of the crying I did last night, and then when I got to work Jack asked me what had happened between the two of us. I gave him some brief, lame explanation (all of it was true though)... I had to tell him something to get him off my back. He told me he was sorry to hear about it, and I replied by saying "not as sorry as I am". I had to fight the tears back with a stick, but I finally got them under control.

The rest of the day went okay. Work was, well work. Not too much conflict, not really exciting either. I think C.l. is off today, and I really want to call him, but I don't know if it's the right thing to do. I don't wanna bother him, you know what I mean?

Well, anyway, I shall go now. My parents are in Cherokee for the weekend so we're going to the grocery store and having a girl's night in. It should be a lot of fun... we haven't done this in a very long time.

There's a country song called 'I Cry' at least I think that's the name of it. It's country and I don't know who the artist is... does anybody know?

09:19 am: For all who don't know, my life really sucks. Here, I'll tell you why.

Day before yesterday, Marcus (one of C.l.'s friends) tells me that C.l. is cheating on me. So, like any normal person, I called C.l. left him a really mean message and told myself that our relationship was over.

Well, in truth, this is not at all what really happened.

After receiving my message, C.l. calls and he's pissed. So I ask him outright what the deal was and he gave me his word that he was not, nor had he ever cheated on me. He also said that at this time he didn't think we should be together- not because of this, but other things.

The problem is that I know, deep down within my heart, that he never would cheat on me- but given the circumstances of our relationship over the past few months, how could I not have believed it?

He went on to tell me that things for him have just been going wrong since this year started and that he needed time to get his life together. Everything that he told me were things that I already knew, so there was no doubt that he was telling the truth. He also said that he wasn't used to having somebody there to talk to (I think this was girlfriend-wise) so he liked to be by himself to deal with his own problems. He then reassured me that none of this had anything to do with me, but just that he needed time to handle his business, and that he didn't think it was fair to keep me from being with somebody that "deserved" me.

It was so much easier to let him go when I thought he was just like the others- now I feel like I have lost possibly the best man that I have ever met.

One thing that he said continues to echo in my head- "I feel like I'm the one at loss. You are a great person and you have the biggest heart that I have ever seen. The last thing that I want to do is hurt you, you know that, but right now I can't be a good boyfriend and you deserve someone so much better than what I can offer you."
He also knows that not talking to him worries and frustrates me and he feels that our relationship is just one more thing that he doesn't really have the time or the energy to deal with.

After hearing everything that he had to say I felt empty. If I had a dollar for every time someone told me that I had a big heart I would be a freakin' millionaire. It's just that, for the first time, I heard it from someone who's heart is equally as big. I still want to share mine with him, but it's too late.

He was at work when he called, so he had to end our conversation faster than I think either one of us wanted it to end. He asked me if I was okay, and I told him that I was. Little does he know that I was crying... still, not nearly as loud as my heart was.

He said he'd call me today if I wanted him to. I do... and I told him that.

After our conversation, Omar came upstairs to play the drums. He came over to talk to me and I cried some more. He finally started singing and cracking jokes and I was okay for a while. We laid across my bed for a while and he kinda held me there. I had my arm around him, but it didn't feel the way it used to feel. There was a time when I would have killed to be in this position, but last night I just wasn't feeling it. I laid there and I thought about C.l... I don't think I'm alone... I think Omar was wishing I was Sarah. I can't lie, I still love Omar and the thought of him thinking about her still kinda bothers me. At least I didn't have to sit up there by myself.

I cried myself to sleep last night, and here I sit still engulfed by tears. By the time the swelling in my eyes go down, it'll be time for me to go back to school. God help me, and let things happen the way that they should.

03:19 pm: I really suck at updating...
Last night I volunteered at Samaritan Inn for the first time. I'll update on that later.

C.l. and I aren't broken up. It was just me, over-reacting as usual. I talked to him last Tuesday for a long time, and I thought things were back to normal. He called to tell me happy birthday on Wednesday and I haven't heard from him since. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I understand that he's busy, but I am too, and I still find time to call and try to talk to him. Is he trying to give me a hint? If so, I wish he would just come out and say something 'cause this guessing game, as I said before, is for the birds.

That's about it for now. I have so much work to do before this week is over, including two tests, a quiz, and two full classes of Yoga. Lord, can we have more snow please? Okay, must go now.

10:33 pm: I will survive...
C.l. and I broke up. Well, at least that's what I'm calling it.

I haven't talked to him since Tuesday and I haven't seen him in almost four weeks. Why do all of my relationships end like this?

I'm not mad at the fact that we aren't 'together' anymore, it just pisses me off that he didn't even have the decency to call me and tell me that he didn't want to be with me anymore. I thought I was finished with these games once I left high school.

I do, however, now realize just how much I cared about him. It's funny how that happens... well it's not really funny, it's actually kinda sad. The lump in my throat is so big that I can hardly swallow. I really just feel like crying, but I'm not up for answering all the questions that I know will be thrown at me once the first teardrop falls.

This isn't the first time I've had my heart broken, it's not the first time I've cried, and I'm pretty sure that it won't be the last. Just five days short of seven months together gone... with not so much as a phone call.

Am I okay? Right now, no. But I will be. I guess this just opens up more time for other things: friends at school, homework, and Jessica time. My mom keeps telling me that once the right guy comes along I'll know... well, I've been fooled not twice, but three times. So, dream guy, if you're out there, could you please just wear a sign? I never was good at those guessing games as a kid...

02:31 pm: I know it's been a long time, so I'm here to fill you in on the basics.

First of all, my internet in my room doesn't work. This is why I haven't updated since Jesus was a baby. It should be up and running pretty soon though, so don't have a cow.

Jan term was very relaxing and I'm kinda disappointed that it didn't last longer. My class at Jefferson Elementary was fantastic and my ESL class wasn't that bad either... except for that one C.E. student who kept pissing off the professor.

Classes this semester shouldn't be that difficult, if I make it to them. I have Dr. Clauss for the second part of US History and Dr. Baker for Children's Lit and Drama. I also have Professor Chisholm for Computer Technology for Teachers and Señor Boyst for Spanish. Not a hard semester, just very time-consuming.

The bed in my room broke (the top bunk where Landry would be sleeping if she wasn't in England). If she was here, it may have collapsed on top of me. On top of that craziness, the heater in my room is also on the blink. I thought my body was frozen to the bed! Just too damn cold to get up and go to a 9:30 history class! Such is life.

In a nutshell, I think that's it. Hopefully my computer will be up and running again and I will not have to suffer in the hell that is the computer lab.

05:59 pm: Another doctor visit and grades!!!
I went back to the doctor today to get the results of my biopsy. I was already nervous as hell because of my last visit, but I wasn't supposed to have an exam so I eventually calmed down. I waited there for an hour before I saw the doctor, but finally Peggy (his nurse) called me back into his office.

He gave me the results- it took him about 10 minutes to explain things, and I still don't have a good enough grasp on them to write them down now. I have lesions on my cervix and I had to get my cervix frozen. He asked if I wanted to do it today or wait two weeks and come back. I really didn't want to stay there any longer than I had already been there, but since school starts back on the 5th I decided to go ahead and have it done today. Before he went in, I had him check all of his equipment to make sure nothing else would malfunction. The whole procedure lasted about 20 minutes and now I'm starting to cramp a little.

So that's that. No more gynocologist for two months!

On a lighter note, I got my grades back yesterday!!! One A and three A-'s!! I made the Dean's List with a 3.75 for the semester!! Thank God!!!!!!!!

Okay, that's it for me, C.L. is on his way and I still have to clean a little. I miss all of you and I look forward to seeing you in January!!

08:01 pm: Horrifying trip to the gyno....
Okay... it's been a rough week away from Salem- let me try to recap.

I've had two abnormal pap smears since February so I had another appointment the first Monday I was home for Christmas. I went in to the gyno's office around 10:30 and filled out all of my paperwork, then I waited to see the doctor. Finally at about 11:30 I went back to the exam room.

He tells me that my cells are abnormal (this I already knew) and that he needed to look at them with binoculars and possibly have to take a biopsy. This sounded simple enough, so I undressed and he began my exam. He goes to take the biopsy and he tells me to cough. I should have known this was a trick, but oh well, I fell for it. It hurt like hell. Then he tries to pull out the instrument and it causes so much pain that it hurts to even think about it. The instrument he used had malfunctioned. It was supposed to latch on to a peice of tissue in my cervix and then release my cervix and still have the tissue. Well, it latched on and kept on holding it. One of the screws had flipped around and he couldn't get it loose. I was okay (in spite of the pain) until he yelled for a screw driver. I sat in that exam room for 20 minutes with all of my business exposed for everyone in the whole entire doctor's office to see. I cried so much and so hard that I couldn't even see to drive home. After he took it apart while it was inside my vagina, the pain sort of dulled and I was allowed to get dressed. He apologized over and over and told me that I had to come back in a week to get the results of my biopsy. If my cells are severely abnormal or cancerous I will have to have them burnt off. Talk about a horrifying trip to the gynocologist.

Afterwards, C.L. came over and he made me feel better... but then again, he always does. I have the best boyfriend in the whole world.

I think that's about it for now, I have a meeting in the morning at 5:30...

09:37 pm: This fucking paper is killing me. Please help me I'm going crazy

01:20 am: Today was an okay day. This morning started with an argument ( nothing I'm not used to, right) and then things got better. I had class at 5:30, then I came back here to watch a little t.v. before going to work. Friends came on at 8, so I headed to the grille early to watch with my buddies. After getting there, the day goes on peacefully. We played spoons until time to close, and we got out of there fast. Trish, Becky, Paula and I later went on to the Flats to watch Finding Nemo. It was very 'on the edge' to be a cartoon for kids. As soon as life starts to look up for the little kid, some big fish or a rough current comes to sweep him away and throw him off course. (That part was about Marlin, not Nemo.) Anyway, it was a great movie. Good entertainment in good company... life can't get much sweeter.

12:33 am: Random thoughts...
Pretty good day. Liz makes my day. Landry is herself. Emma is getting shit done. Missed one class, but my headache is gone. Good times.

I worked tonight from 4-9:30, had gospel choir from 9:30-10:00, grille meeting from 10-10:30, more gospel choir from 10:45-11:20 and finally back in my room only to call my boyfriend back and wake him up. I haven't talked to him all day, and it kinda makes me sad. Oh well, there's always tomorrow. I haven't seen him in since weekend before last, and I won't see him until Thanksgiving. Man, that's like three weeks. I'm not put together for long distance things anymore, especially with him 'cause I care so much about him. I've finally decided what I'm going to get him for Christmas after hours of tormenting myself with horrid and ridiculous ideas. I dreamed last night that he opened it all and he liked it, so I'm sticking with those ideas.

I want to apologize ahead of time for Christmas gifts. The kid is slam broke. Don't expect much, that way you won't be disappointed. I'm gonna try to get everyone something, but if I happen to miss you then chances are I got you something another time when I missed someone else. Am I making sense? I'm starting to get thoughts tied up together and I don't feel like re-reading to see if it sounds okay. So don't think I'm stupid, just muy peresoza. So sue me, as mama says, "you can't get blood from a turnip". Marinate on that for a second.

My roommate has an obsession with the "p" word that is the same as vagina. Does that not sound disgusting to anyone but me?